If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
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You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
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I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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