I wish they made helmets for livers.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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