Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
