complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
