What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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