tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
