My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
