My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
