You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
operation harelip BJ is a go
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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