Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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