you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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