The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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