They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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