Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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