my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
