Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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