somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
