I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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