When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
