Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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