there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
