we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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