Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
