dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
