My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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