we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
