so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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