So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
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i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
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High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Vodka?
Forever.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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