I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
