You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
