I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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