You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He did a backflip because drugs
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
