Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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