Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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