If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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