burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
