We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
