Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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