OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
