He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
