My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
