Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
