My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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