then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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