We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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