watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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