Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
