So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
