Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
