Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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