My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I need a beard to bite.
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