dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just want nice things and good sex
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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