i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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