how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
