I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
