Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
