I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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