do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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