my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
