I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
