Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
