Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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